Garth Brooks..Lost in You

so many so many to say....
man...i was really disheartened....really.my mum almost bring me to tears.but i guess i understand.
i was just as a-matter-of-factly tell my mum she really shouldnt pamper my lil' brother at least like this. i understand how parents always dote on their youngest son or daugther.i understand when my mum says that when he was young,she doesnt have much time for him as compared to us.
i wasnt just referring to his last illness incident.but till now..my brother still gets his clothes ironed for him,breakfast awaits for him every morning when he goes to school.school shoes wash for him and all.i mean...he is a guy afterall,he will go through NS one day.she cant wait upon him like he is always 5 years old.

but she retorted back..saying..when i was his age,did i do alot?i was shocked...great..why am i crying now.
true..i may not do alot or help her alot.but i always try to do what i can now.yes...im still dependent on her for living,but i scrimp on every of my cents and try not to ask for extras for my own expenses.i pay for my own clothes,my own bills...only my own food yet.
she said it in a way that i never lifted my hands on the chores unless im being told off.oh great...you mean those kinda chores i must do it infront of her to show to her i actually did all those.like i iron and fold the clothes just now.

i know she is never biased towards her own children.i know i wasnt as capable as her when i was her age.i know as compared to many other children of her friends or relatives', im just wasnt that great.

but....how was i to say that i wish...one day..with my own strength,i am able to bring her back the life she deserved.buti never told her coz im scared i cant live up to that.

i wasnt way too much better than my 2 brothers,but im sure i am the one that never had my parents to worry much.but why...her words..may carry some light of facts and truth..but sure disheartened me.

she may not have that much time for my brother since he was young,but what say me?i wasnt spared either.i am only 5 years senior my brother.i clearly rem i was pri 4 when mum had to work.i was still there,knowing that i had to then take care of my brother.i may not be the best sister...but now...i just try the best i can//right?
i was always there envying other parents had the time to bring their kids to play.
i remembered i used to sat down my house,watching parents bringing their children to play.
i remembered in my chinese compo,i wrote i dun have any wish but perhaps a chance for my whole family to be together.
i remembered i was once very envious of the fact that Yng's mum brought them to library,and secretly cried wishing that was my life.


that perhaps all mould into such insecure me,i figured out.but..i was never...never...never....resentful..angry or blame my parents for not having the time.coz i know...they wouldnt want so too.


i dun wanna sound like a saint or someone whose being wronged..coz im not.
i am just disheartened that my mum put things in this way when all the time,i thought she understand.i try to help in some chores.i try accompanying her to eat dinners,even i dun eat that early.i thought..such efforts..she would know.i try to celebrate occasions that make her know we appreciate her.i thought by now....i could do more.looks like i cant yet.

sigh...god..dry my tears again..like you always did.sew 'me' back in me.

where is the love......
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where is the love when we all need it.
i had a hour chat with yng earlier.my heart aches so much for her.i was sad,but more angry.i am angry when she still lingers there hoping for someone to be back,when she herself knows he wont anymore.
simon...doesnt deserved to be love.
i really wondered...is he the one who cry to me on phone that time,telling me he loves her.
if he is...what made the change?
coz it is now yng who cried so badly...but over someone who doesnt care anymore.

no...i know its always easier for pple ard you to tell you to move over...but the person who is doing that...feels as though he/she is ask to cut her own flesh.

im really very worried for her.im so scared she cant get back.
i really wish i could help her..anything...to help her.im so afraid that she will never love again..and even more scare if she is never gonna break off with simon.

simon..what a fucker.
i really prayed hard that this guy never ever picks another gal,and let go of yng now.

sometimes..i really wondered is 'love' something God gave to punish us anot.coz the pain it can caused is so much you rather die of any physical pain.

she asked me...if one day Jason turns to be the same,what would i do.i told her without any qualms...that i wont stay for him.
i know..things may be very different when it happened,so i hate to be ask things that isnt happening now.

but i wasnt afraid that i may bite my own tongue if that day comes,but im more afraid that i may be the one letting pple down.

i have always been the sensitive sort.sensitive to own feelings as well as others' feelings.

but i would always rather im the one taking the pain..the one being let down..the one crying at night..the one taking the hatred and being blamed...if the other can feels better.

coz i think...i know...i will never stay too long on a spot.like my tears...it will never flow for too long.once god knocks my head,i know better...i would have to get a life.

so i pray...pls..give yng back the life she deserved...

but everything..makes me wanna hug jason so much...wanna thank him for being the best boyfriend he can be...be the one tolerating me and my shits.
i guess...in view of anything and everything...i can never be the best...but sure..i try to be my best.